I consider myself lucky in that I've never wanted children.

The story starts early, and arguably ends early, too. At the age of 5 years old I was told by my GP's assistant that one day I'd have children all of my very own. I found that quite offensive and told her I didn't want them. She and my mother laughed at the sheer absurdity of this, and that was the end of the conversation.

I forgot about that exchange for many years, but that seed of an awareness that I didn't have to have kids remained at the back of my mind. Perhaps it got stronger because I was bullied growing up (why would I want to make a child if they were like that?), or maybe it was because both my parents made it clear that they found raising children inconvenient. Or, perhaps my mind was already made up by then.

Either way, parenthood has never appealed to me. For that reason, I can't honestly way I ever made a choice to be childfree, any more than I chose not to become a deep-sea diver. It's a life path for other people, and I hope they have a fulfilling time with it, but it's not mine.

Being childfree is a natural choice for many of us, but because we get challenged about it so much, I think lots of us consult with ourselves about why we don't want kids moreso than we consider our choice not to become deep-sea divers. For example, my position on parenthood could even be due to the fact that I grew up unaware that I was autistic; most of the time, I just wanted to be left in peace. Children aren't generally peaceful and are rarely quiet, so they clearly wouldn't fit into my life.

I've been lucky in that I've been put under relatively little pressure to have children. That incident at my GP office was annoying, but was over quickly and has likely been forgotten by everyone else who was there at the time. I've had the occasional work colleague who asserted that motherhood is a foregone conclusion for women everywhere, or that I only focus on childfreedom because I'm uncomfortable with my decision. Other than that, people seem to know to leave me to my own choices.

Not everyone is that fortunate, and that's why I run the Cactus Childfree Discussion Group, and support the childfree community on other ways.

The Childfree and Childless Community At Large

In recent years more and more people are exploring alternatives to the usual life script of 'leave school > go to college > meet the love of your life > marry > buy a house > have kids'. Some of us choose not to become parents.

However, not everyone has the luxury to make this choice. Fertility issues can make the decision for us, and even if we are fertile, financial or other practical limitations can make having a child impractical. Some people might want children but not wish to expose them to the challenges that the next generation will have to face, such as climate change.

For this reason, I believe that it's important for childfree-by-choice folks to stand in solidarity with people who are childless-not-by-choice, whether that's due to economic / financial / environmental reasons or for medical ones.

We should all have the right to make this decision for ourselves. Becoming a parent has a huge impact on peoples' lives, so it's important to consider carefully whether or not we want them.

Unfortunately, this stance is considered controversial in natalist / pronatalist circles.

At its core, "the pronatalist agenda" promotes the idea that reproduction is the main objective of being alive. A deeper exploration into the pronatalist community reveals discussions of the idea that a higher birth rate would reduce some of the major economic and social issues of our times (with the implication that having children is a civic responsibility), and moral arguments in favour of women considering their primary role as becoming mothers.

It's this moral pressure that most childfree people have been subjected to, usually by family. Most of us have heard variations of "I feel sad because I don't have grandchildren" or "you're married. You know you're supposed to have kids next, right?". Childfree people are pressured in many different ways, but these are two common ones.

That's unpleasant enough when you are fertile (or believe that you're fertile). Imagine how much worse it is for people struggling with their fertility. Questions of "do you have any kids?" or "when are you having kids?" can be extremely painful to navigate for somebody who wants children but is having difficulty having them.

The Cactus Childfree Discussion Group

That's why I run the Cactus Childfree Discussion Group. The group differs from social childfree groups in that it's held in a boundaried space - at the moment that means it's entirely on Zoom, but I plan to run it in a hired space in future, in Bristol. I hold the group securely so that you can process any painful feelings about childfreedom and childlessness with like-minded individuals.

Feel free to check that link for more details, but if you already know that you'd like to join my mailing list to be notified of the date and time of the next group, drop me a line on my contact page.

Photo by Asad Photo Maldives at Pexels.