Occasionally a client brings up sex in therapy. It’s as valid a topic to bring as any, and as such, transactional analysis helps to explore sex and sexuality; sex is just one more way that people can interact, after all.

I have worked with a number of female clients who have lost sexual interest in their partners, and who blame themselves for this. Another client complained of their female partner claiming to want sex, but physically closing up as if they were ambivalent but said they weren’t. Exploring these issues can help shed light on other aspects of the relationship.

I’ve never been to a sex therapist myself, and while technically I am one (see above about TA and sex), I wanted to make sure I was prepared. That meant considering my own preconceptions about sex therapists. What does a sex therapist look like? What do they say and do, that marks them out specifically as sex therapists?

There’s a saying in therapy: “The moment you start being a therapist, no therapy can happen.” This means that if I act the way I think a therapist acts, then I’m playing a role. If I’m playing a role then that invites my client to play a role, too. If I’m “being a therapist” and you’re “being a client”, then what does that mean for you? Are you meant to cry a lot? Get better in a nice, neat way? Would any of that be the real you? Healing is messy, it happens in leaps, and there can be false starts. If you try to fit into a narrative, then you may deny yourself the authentic experience of healing - and imagine how much worse this might be, if you're playing the role subconsciously.

Exactly. If you are going to be authentic, then I must be, too.

Back to sex therapists, and what I think a sex therapist looks like. What I imagined was this:

An intimidatingly enthusiastic female therapist with bright red hair and a low-cut top, who assumes everyone's got a high sexual appetite and just needs to tap into it, and waxes lyrical about how we should all "open up like a flower" to our partners and make sure we have orgasms every day. And she's more attractive than me. And my partner might hook up with her if I don't 'get better'.

Now, is that fair? I seriously hope not, but once I realised this was what I imagined, I was determined not to be it.

So, who am I, in my capacity as a sex therapist? I’m very open to the possibility that any client, or client’s partner, is asexual or has a low sex drive. Humankind is wonderfully diverse; why would our capacity for variation go out of the window when it comes to sex? Nobody should be bullied into being more sexually active than they want to be. When nobody is being shamed into overstating their desire, then we can talk about how to manage a discrepancy in drive.

My hair is dyed auburn, though, so I hope that isn’t too… “siren-y”. I just like autumn colours.

One limitation of transactional analysis, and me as a therapist in particular, that may not mesh well with sex therapy, is that TA can be quite analytical, and I am particularly interested in being able to articulate feelings efficiently. TA has great models for that. However, sex is an inherently non-verbal way of interacting with others, so may suit a therapist who is more body-centered. I welcome anybody who wants to discuss sex, but some other therapists may have a better tool-box.

However, I remain open to accepting clients who need to discuss sex as part of their therapy. As ever, I’m open to a 15 minute telephone or Zoom chat so we can do a vibe check on each other (read about transference in this article), and so you can run by me whatever you’ll be bringing, to make sure I can work well with it. That’s not just a silly little marketing technique, it’s a tool for precisely for this sort of situation, so you can shop for the right therapist for you.

Photo by Katie Rainbow 🏳️‍🌈 on Pexels.